Title: The real life in royal palace
Author: Missinvisible
Story link: click
Review by: Andrea_key4eva
The Real Life in Royal Palace
Title: 3/5
The title was quite appealing. If I came across your story out of the vast array of stories, I might’ve clicked on it. I’m a sucker for stories like these. There were some grammatical errors in the title, though. It would’ve been better if the title was something like ‘What Actually Goes On in the Royal Palace’. It means what really happens in a palace that isn’t observed by the public eye. That’s what you meant, right? I also put ‘the’ instead of ‘a’ because there’s only one royal palace in each country. Your title matched the story. Bravo!
Appearance: 6/10
I really loved your poster. The main characters were in it, the font was great and the coloursmatched. It was a little too plain, though. It might’ve been better if you used vibrant colours, probably to match the ‘hanbok’. It was a little too safe. No offence to the graphic designer who made it. There was no background.
Description/Foreword: 7/15
I’m really impressed with your description, though there were many grammatical errors. You stated that English is not your first language, but I’ll be strict as you wanted me to be as harsh as possible. I was glad that you introduced the characters at the start. It might’ve been better if you gave a short teaser or a small paragraph in their point of views, though. It would’ve made me want to continue reading. Also, the description of your story is extremely cliché. I wasn’t quite happy because of that. I may have clicked the ‘back’ button because of it and probably search for other stories that catch my eye.
Plot/Originality: 16/30
Your story wasn’t exactly original, but it wasn’t cliché as well. I really like how your story is progressing so far. Unlike many cliché stories, I couldn’t tell who she was going to end up with or what was going to happen. Hooray!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 10/25
There were some grammatical errors. It was mainly the sentence structures. It was a little messy. You’re doing extremely well for a non-native English speaker. I’m very impressed. Truthfully, I expected it to be much worse. I’ll just pick out mistakes from the first chapter. P.S. Please ignore me when I spell behaviouror something else differently. I live in Australia, so I use British English.
"I'm still sleepy," she replied in half-consciousness. "Besides, why can't he do that himself?"
“I’m still sleepy,” she replied subconsciously, “why can’t he do it himself?”
It would have been better if you used the word ‘subconsciously’. You’re supposed to use small caps in ‘besides’, though you didn’t have to add ‘besides’ in there.
It's none other than his strict, biological brother.
It’s none other than her brother.
You don’t have to say ‘biological’ because when you use the term ‘brother’, it usually means biological brother. If he isn’t her biological brother, you would say ‘step brother’. You don’t have to say ‘strict’’ it isn’t necessary. Also, Youngjin is a girl, so it’s ‘her’.
"YAH, DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO SHOUT?!" She snapped out with a higher tone.
“Yah! Do you really have to shout?!” shesnapped in amuch higher tone.
Even though it’s a dialogue, you don’t have to use caps. If you want them to shout, that’s what exclamation marks are for. When you say ‘yah’, you usually put an exclamation mark there. Putting a comma isn’t wrong; it’s just better with an exclamation mark. The ‘she’ after the dialogue should be in small caps and she snaps ‘in a higher tone’, not ‘out with a higher tone’. That simply does not make sense.
"Gayoon-ssi, I can't believe how all these years you manage to take care of my sister," He said, letting her sister to let out a scowl.
“Gayoon-ssi, I still don’t know how you manage to cope with my sister’s behaviour,” he said, causing his sister to scowl.
Your sentence structure was really messy. It’s also better to be more specific. Again, ‘he’ is in small caps and it’s ‘his’ sister; he’s a boy.
"And I can't believe how all these years you can't manage to take care of me," She shot back, pointing herself.
“I also can’t believe the fact that even after all these years, you still can’t manage to take care of me,”she shot back, pointing at herself.
Never start with a conjunction. This is in dialogue form though, so I’ll excuse it. Your sentence structure was a little messy. It’s ‘pointing at herself’, not ‘pointing herself’. She has to point at something or someone.
"Father tells me to accompany you to pick up that guy," Hankyung said.
“Father asked me to accompany you to pick up that guy,” he said.
Please keep in mind that you’re supposed to use present tense there because their father already asked him to accompany her. It’s ‘asked’, unless you wanted to say that their father, having high authority, tells or forces him to do it. If that’s so, then you can say told.
Whether you approve him or not, whether you like him or not, he's a part of our family since that day.
Your opinion doesn’t matter; he’s still part of our family ever since that day.
Again, your sentence structure was messy.
When the King announced his second marriage with Xiao Fei to the public - and let's not forget the fact that it's also the second marriage for Xiao Fei as well, the medias came up with news, saying that the reason behind the marriage was that the King couldn't put up with his children' behavior since his first wife passed away.
When the King announced that he was going to get married for the second time to Xiao Fei – not forgetting the fact that it was also the second time Xiao Fei was getting married – the media created rumours and gossipssaying that the cause to the King’s second marriage was because the King couldn’t cope with his children’s behaviourever since the death of his first wife.
Your sentence structure was extremely messy here. You should try to simplify it. You should also use emdashes when you are extremely sure of how to use it.
The young, naïve teenagers would think that it would be great if they were spoiled with designer shoes and dresses, if they were pampered with more than enough love and affection. Also, just reminding, don't forget about the numerous dramas and movies about royal family life which were played on screen these days.
Young, naïve teenagers would think that it would be great if they were pampered both physically and emotionally; not to mention the numerous dramas and movies about the pampered lives of royals.
Your sentence was messy. You could’ve used better words to describe it. That way, you won’t have to type so much and you still manage to get your message across and also add the dramatic effect.
But there were so many things happened behind all of those.
The truth was that there were many things that were hidden from the public eye.
Never start your sentence with conjunctions. You could’ve tried improving your sentence as well.
When someone's trying to make a conversation with me, he always ends up shooting intense stares to them like a hawk, like he's going to eat them. You know, one-wrong-move-you'll-die type of glare. Can you believe how annoying the hell out of me is it?!
When someone approaches me and tries making small talk, he glares at them intensely like an eagle trying to catch its prey. When I say glare, I mean his signature one-wrong-move-and-you’re-dead glare. You’ll never be able to imagine just how much it’s annoying me!
Your sentence structure was bad and you made a poor choice of words. The sentences were wrong.
Those were the mistakes I found in Chapter 1. I left out some of them as they weren’t really big mistakes and I have already explained it to you.
Flow: 7/10
The flow of your story was alright. It wasn’t too fast, nor was it too slow. It’s still too early to judge though, since you’ve only written two chapters. I liked it so far, though.
Other: 3/5
I can’t really tell if I’m going to enjoy it, but I really liked the flow. Also, thank you for choosing Apink Request Shop! JYou’re awesome!
Total: 52/100
Please don’t be disheartened. Your story has just started, so there’s still a lot of room for improvement. Hwaiting~!!
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