Title: Fate is everything. either die or live
Author: Ann-yumi
Story link: click
Review by: Andrea_key4eva
Fate is Everything. Either die or live. – Ann-Yumi
Title: 1/5
Titles consist of one sentence; one only. The two sentences also have nothing to do with each other whatsoever. It’s better if your title was ‘Fate Controls Everything; Even Life and Death.’ The title doesn’t really match the story. Overall, this title emits a mysterious feel, though not eye-catching.
Appearance: 6/10
Wow, your poster is really big. It’s pretty, though a little too big. I have to scroll down to actually look at the whole thing and I couldn’t get to see the entire poster. It was either the top half, or the bottom half. No offence intended. There was no background.
Description/Foreword: 2/15
Your foreword was pretty alright. I didn’t really understand it though. There were grammatical errors and misunderstandings. I’ll tell you why it’s wrong.
What if one day your crush was totally over you? And he even did something to you? Would you continue to love him? Or be his enemy then to lovers? How do you solve the problem when you own something that could take away your life? Woould you sacrifice everyone's time or you'll suffer alone?
For the first two sentences, I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about. I mean, your crush likes you. That’s what ‘all over you’ or ‘totally over you’ means. Usually, when your crush likes you, you’d be ecstatic. Plus, when you say that, the second sentence automatically gives your readers perverted thoughts. Then, you say ‘would you continue to love him?’ That makes absolutely no sense. Unless, of course, if he raped her or something between those lines. However, if you meant ‘totally over you’ meaning he didn’t like you anymore, then it would make more sense. You have to explain it further though. People get mixed up sometimes. There were grammatical and spelling errors as well. I tried correcting it, but I really can’t because I have no idea what you mean. You spelled ‘would’ wrongly. You should also never start a sentence with a conjunction.
Plot/Originality: 3/30
The story was really cliché. I’ve read it at least…6 times. It was alright though not original at all.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 2/25
Please don’t use ‘~’. It’s really awkward to see those in sentences, unless if you’re texting/e-mailing/facebooking/anything between those lines. There were some grammatical errors and spelling errors as well. I’ll correct some of them on the first chapter.
You go to school in TOP acadamy
Every day there will be crazy fangirls shouting and overjoy bout the group Bigbang
WHICH MY COUSIN BROTHER IS THE LEADER OF THE KINGKA GROUP! KWON JIYONG!
I admire him alot cause of his fighting sklls~
The maknae Seungri who likes to bully me alot~
You attend the one and only TOP Academy. Every day, there’s a ruckus which consists of the overly delusional fangirls who scream and shout as the kingka group ‘Big Bang’ appears; yourcousin, Kwon Jiyong, so happens to be the leader of the said group. You admire him heaps because of his lethal fighting skills. You admire almost everyone in his group; everyone except the maknae, Seungri, as he loves teasing and picking on you.
You didn’t add punctuations in the first sentence. Your second sentence had some mistakes in it. You don’t say ‘…crazy fangirls shouting and overjoy bout the group…’ Instead, use ‘…crazy fangirls who shout due to the fact that they are extremely overjoyed because the kingka group ‘Big Bang’ attends our school.’ Another correct way of saying it is as I stated. I don’t understand what you mean by ‘cousin brother’. Does that mean your cousin or your brother? If he is the brother of one of your cousins, he is still your cousin. It it’s your brother’s cousin, guess what? He’s still your cousin. You missed a space in ‘a lot’. You also misspelled the word ‘skills’. I don’t get how the last sentence was put there. I mean, it’s too random. It has nothing to do with anything you said above. It’s like saying ‘When you see shooting stars, you make a wish. The same goes for wishbones, birthday candles and 11.11. I like milk’. How did the last sentence get there? Also, you started with a second person view but switched to first person view in the middle. Please pick one.
But you were used to it since you're receiving comments bout tat since last year~
You were used to it though; you’ve been receiving comments about that since the previous year.
Never start your sentence with a conjunction. Please keep that in mind. You misspelled ‘about’ and ‘that’.
You just walk up to your locker and take the books you wan and you dint realize tat Bigbang was following you all the way until they decide to pop out and scared you~
You simply ignored those nasty comments and walked straight to your locker to get your books out. What you didn’trealise that Big Bang had been following you while you were racing to your locker. Taking the opportunity, they decided to pop out to surprise you.
You used both present tense and past tense in this sentence. Please refrain from using more than one tense in a sentence. You also made some spelling errors; you spelled ‘want’, didn’t’ and ‘that’ wrongly.
PIKABOO!!!!
Peek-a-boo!
You spelled it wrongly.
OMO!!!! Guys please stop scaring me! or my heart will soon pop out! bigbang laughing all the way to class after seeing your funny face being scared~
“Omo!” you screamed before realising that it was your Big Bang oppas all along, “Guys, please stop creeping up on me; my heart can’t take it any longer!” you whined. They walked you to class though they kept snickering at the thought of your surprised face. They found it absolutely amusing.
Please use quotation marks when writing dialogues. Readers get confused without them. Your sentences were a little awkward and your last sentence was wrongly written. It’s like saying ‘My book last night’. Your book last night what? Get it? If I’m confusing you, please feel free to ask me questions or better yet, look it up yourself.
As i was walking through the hallway i receive glances from the queenka of the the school Lee Minji, Kim Min Hye and Choi junnie.
As you were walking down the hallway, you received glares from the queenkas of the school; Lee Min Ji, Kim Min Hye and Choi Jun Ni.
Please capitalise your ‘I’s. Also, since you started this story with a second person view, I’ll be correcting your sentences to second person view. Queenka is singular. Since there is more than one girl, you should say ‘queenkas’. You don’t receive glances; you receive glares. Glares are looks of hatred directed to someone. Glances are people looking at you randomly.
Mianhe Mr. Moon i gt into some trouble~
“Mianhe, Mr. Moon. I had to go to the nurse’s office.”
You never tell your teacher that you ‘got into some trouble’. That means that you’ve been mucking around in school and another teacher reprimanded you or something. You spelled ‘got’ wrongly.
you quickly walk to your sits and everybody was giggling about you~
You walked to your seat hastily, ignoring the giggles from your classmates.
Your sentence was really awkward.
Chapter 2
Its lunch time.
It’s lunchtime.
I know I said that I’d correct mistakes only from chapter 1, but I couldn’t let this mistake pass. First off, its and it’s are two very different things. The ‘it’ in ‘its’ is usually an item or a living thing, usually animals. The term ‘it’s’ however, is a short form of ‘it is’, ‘it has’, or ‘it was’. Whenever I get stuck with ‘its’ and ‘it’s,’ I usually replace the ‘its’ with ‘his’ or ‘hers.’ For this instance, I would tell myself ‘His lunchtime’. Obviously, that’s wrong. However, if you say ‘it is lunchtime’, that’s more suitable. One more thing, lunchtime is one word.
Flow: 5/10
It was satisfactory. There were times where it went too fast, though.
Other: 1/5
Please do not randomly use different colours when writing. It makes no sense and it hurts the eyes. Overall, your story was alright. I didn’t like it though, but that’s just me. Everyone has their own preference.
Total: 20/100
Please don’t be disheartened! I was pretty strict, as usual, so please don’t be upset. I hope you’ll be able to learn from this and strive!
Owner's note:
" don't be disheartened like the reviewer said. Goodluck with your story! Please do post this review in one of your chapters. We will love that ^^ Don't forget to credit the reviewer and the shop ^^ " -- eunmi23
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