[review] More...than just friends? - foreverkeena101 ♥

Title: More...than just friends?

Author: foreverkeena101

Story link: click

Review by: Andrea_key4eva

Title: 2/5

Your title was alright though the ellipsis was not needed. If you want to put the ellipsis, you should’ve put it behind ‘friends’ or ‘just’. Either way works. Your title isn’t exactly eye catching nor is it interesting. If I managed to find your story somehow, I still wouldn’t have clicked on it.

Appearance: 5/10

The poster was alright. The characters were present, but what’s the deal with those foxes(?) above the story title? The colour used for the quotes was pretty hard to read. Overall, it was pretty neutral. No offence intended.

Description/Foreword: 6/15

Your description is alright, though more info could’ve been provided. There isn’t much I can say as the description is pretty neutral as well. It might’ve been better if you gave a short description of each character though.

Plot/Originality: 15/30

The way this story started has been used way too many times. I mean, the alarm, the waking up, losing her beauty sleep; all too familiar. Also, your story was really cliché. I’ve read it time and time again. I know that you said that this was all inspired by your dream, but I’m sure you didn’t dream the entire story. You could’ve made twists and stuff. It was alright though.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary/Punctuation: 18/25

There weren’t many mistakes. There were hardly any grammatical errors; just overuse of punctuation and spelling errors throughout the story. I’ll pick out some of the mistakes I see on chapter 1.

“PICK UP THE EFFING PHONE ALREADY! I’m trying to watch my variety shows here!” She complained.

“Pick up the fucking phone already! I’m trying to watch my shows here!”she complained.

Please don’t use big caps for an entire sentence. If you want someone to scream, that’s what the exclamation marks are there for. When you want someone to cuss, please just spell the mother fucking word out. I know that this story is not rated, but if you expect one of your characters to cuss, just spell it out. You also don’t have to state that her mother is watching variety shows. ‘She complained’ doesn’t have to be capitalised.

“Got it!” I obediantly replied. I’d usually complain to her back but I could tell that she was seriously annoyed this time.

“Got it!” I obediently replied. I’d usually be difficult and answer back, but something tells me that she woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

You spelled ‘obediently’ wrongly. ‘Usually complain to her back’ sounds awkward.

I made my way upstairs and grabbed my phone. But, considering my dumb luck, it finally stopped ringing.

I hurriedly ran upstairs and reached for my phone just to see it stop ringing.

Don’t start your sentence with a conjunction.

“FAHKKKK!!!! There’s school today?!?!”

“Fuck! There’s school today?!”

Please don’t overuse punctuations.

“YOURS, Kim Jonghyun. You should have woken me up earlier!” I’m totally messing with him. XD I smirked thenLMFAO’ed. 

“Yours, Kim Jonghyun. You should’ve woken me up earlier!” I playfully blamed him; I smirked then guffawed.

Please refrain from using underline and bold when writing a part of a story. Please don’t use emoticons as well; they’re talking, not texting. It’s better to explain what they’re feeling. That’d be better. LMFAO is not a word.

You also seem to be using the term ‘apparently’ wrong. Apparently means ‘what everyone else seems to believe and tell you’. You’re not sure of it, but everyone says so. Everyone knows so. For example, imagine yourself in a huge city. Someplace you’re not sure of. You get lost on your way to – say Seoul. You don’t know how to get there; heck, you don’t even know where you are, so you ask around. The pedestrians tell you to go straight then turn right. You don’t really know if it’s actually where they tell you or not, but apparently, it’s there. Do you get it now? You don’t use apparently when referring to yourself, because you know yourself. You’re sure of it. Others may use apparently when referring to you, because they’re not sure of it. You tell them you are, but they can’t be 100% sure because they’re not you.

Overall, your use of language is pretty good. You should try to be more formal though.

Flow: 9/10

Your flow was admirable. It wasn’t too fast nor was it too slow. I really liked this part of the story. Well done!

Other: 5/5

I enjoyed it. It was pretty interesting! Thank you for requesting from Apink! <3

Total: 60/100

Please don’t get disheartened. I give almost everyone bad marks. 60 is pretty good in my book.