Title: Infinite Paradise
Author: Moony_kat
Story link: click
Review by: tonichua
Title (2/5)
My first impression towards your title is good. It easily catches attention and leaves the readers wondering what the story is about. That’s an added point to your story for it plays a big role in the advertising.
However, when I tried to type it on the search box, multiple stories bearing the same title popped out. Try to think of a more unique one. It’s better when the readers will think of your story when they read or heard your story title, not someone else’s work.
Appearance (5/10)
The poster is superb! Very appealing. I really like it. So simple yet it conveys the emotion your story wanted to reflect. Though you didn’t have a background, I like it better that way.
My only concern is the font color.
As far as I’ve read, your story contains betrayal, love and longing. It contradicts to the colorful font you used. Moreover, some parts are hard to read due to the brightness of the color. Consider changing it if you have time.
Description / Foreword (6/10)
The summary is fine though the colors blinded my eyes. You revealed details, enough for your readers to crave for more. Since it is a sequel, I understand why you didn’t describe the character’s personality. Instead, you focused in defining your plot, which was good for your reader will know what to expect as they progress on their reading. Your foreword contains hanging questions that when I read it, it made me want to click the “NEXT” button immediately.
Writing style (11/15)
The way you wrote your story was not too formal. It makes me think that the writer really enjoyed writing it, which was important for you to express your thoughts well. Good job in delivering the emotions needed in your story.
However, your choices of words are sometimes inappropriate to describe the story sequence. Try not to complicate things. Make it simple as much as possible.
Flow (4/10)
The pace of the story was nice, not too fast nor slow. I really like how it’s progressing. One thing though, on my personal view as a reader and not as a reviewer, remove the paranormal factor you added on the last chapter. It’s really unnecessary. Your story is doing great as it is. You’ve already leveled up the love and drama meter of your readers. Don’t waste the effort you’ve given in doing that by putting a ghost calling on the phone on national TV. That was plain… creepy. No offense meant.
Plot (8/15)
I like your plot. Though it’s not so different from the others, I still find it interesting and exciting because as I read it, the ending for them was getting more and more unpredictable. Don’t get me wrong. I know they will still end up together. (Of course! It’s a love story). What I meant was how you will put the sequence of events to make that happen.
Grammar, punctuation marks & spellings (13/30)
Oh… You have a lot of improvement needed on this area. Don’t be offended. I really want to help to improve your story and one step on doing that is to state your mistakes so that you will not do it again next time. Here are some of them that I noticed:
THIS STORY IS ORIGINAL WROTE BY,Moony_Kat!!!PLAGIARISM IS TOTALLY PROHIBITED!!!PLEASE, ANNOUNCE ME IMMEDIATELY IF YOU SEE THIS STORY POSTED SOMEWHERE ELSE OR ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS!THANK YOU
THIS STORY IS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN BY Moony_Kat!!! PLAGIARISM IS TOTALLY PROHIBITED!!! PLEASE, TELL ME (‘SEND ME A NOTICE’ would also be fine) IMMEDIATELY IF YOU SEE THIS STORY POSTED SOMEWHERE ELSE OR ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS! THANK YOU
It would’ve been correct to use the past participle of the word write than its past tense form because it indicates that the noun (the author) it modifies is a participant in the action that the participle refers to. I pointed that out though honestly, you didn’t have to put it there. You’re the author, right? The readers already knew that. It is not like someone different wrote it.
· Use “Tell me” or “Send me a notice” because the word “announce” is use to make known publicly and that is not the case. You needed to know it not everybody else.
The fairtales always have a happy ending, right?
Fairytales always have a happy ending, right?
· Remove the article “the” because it pertains to only one fairytale. You are confirming to the readers that ALL fairytales have a happy conclusion so it should not be there. Also, watch out for the typographical errors. Forewords are what stimulates the readers interest for her/him to continue reading your work so be extra careful on your typing.
What happens if the DESTINY proclaims his rights over their fate and decides that their paths should split up?
What happens if DESTINY proclaims its right over their fate and decides that their paths should split up?
· Again, the article “the” should be removed. In addition, it is more proper to use the pronoun “it” than “his” because you are referring to DESTINY and destiny has no gender.
Will they stand tall and face their destiny together? Or they will fall apart and pretend that they don't know each other?
Will they stand tall and face their destiny together? Or will they fall apart and pretend that they don't know each other?
· Try to observe sentence parallelism. The first part was in a question form. So, you should also pattern the second one to it.
NOTE: I noticed these errors in your foreword alone. Try to correct it if you have time to improve the appearance of your story. Many readers don’t want to scrutinize words while reading. Your plot maybe good but it would’ve been better if the grammar is fine as well. One piece of advice, read it multiple times before posting it. If you will do that, you will see the errors you missed on your first read. Believe me. I’m practicing it as well. Let’s move on to the chapters, shall we?
" YAH! YANG SEUNG HO!!!!"I called again, pushing him.
" Yah! Yang Seung Ho!"I shouted as I pushed him.
· Refrain from using exclamation point too much. You didn’t need to emphasize that the character is using a high tone. You can use “shouted” to point it out. It’s more noticeable if you will write it directly, right?
"What is it, Min Ah?"he asked with a husky voice, without even turning on the lights. "Bad dreaming again?"
"What is it, Min Ah?" he asked in a husky voice without turning on the lights. "Bad dream again?"
"What is it, Min Ah?" he asked huskily without turning on the lights. "Bad dream again?"
· He asks “in a husky voice”, not “with a husky voice”. It doesn’t make sense. Also, use dream as the character pertains to a noun not a verb.
"Yah, wake up now! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
"Yah! Wake up now! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
· This is not really a mistake since using comma is also correct. However, it’s more appropriate to use exclamation point because the character is exhibiting urgency in waking up the other one. Exclamation points are use to indicate the intensity of emotion.
"I-I t-think m-my w-water j-just b-broke..."I mumbled stuttering while looking at him frightened.
1: "I-I t-think m-my w-water j-just b-broke..."I stuttered while looking at his frightened expression.
2: "I-I t-think m-my w-water j-just b-broke..."I stuttered because of fright while looking at him.
· Reconstruct your sentence. It’s messy. If you really want to use this, observe the use of commas for pauses. It can also change the meaning of your sentence. Look at the word “frightened”. I can’t really point out who is the frighten one. The female lead because her water broke or the male lead because of his wife’s voice? The first correction is for male and the second for the female.
"Don't you dare to stand...maybe our baby will fall out of you,"
"Don't you dare stand…Our baby might fall off you,"
· It’s unnecessary to put “to”. It will just make your sentence incorrect. You can also use “might” instead of “maybe” and “will”. Why make your sentence longer if you can make it simpler containing the same thought? Moreover, it’s nicer to read it, right?
"C'mon, Min Ah! One more! Give another try! One more push! We're almost there!" encouraged my doctor.
"C'mon, Min Ah! One more! Give another try! One more push! We're almost there!" encouragedby my doctor.
· Try putting “by” to indicate that the doctor was the one doing the encouragement. Observe the proper use of the active and passive voice of the sentences to make it complete.
I looked back at Seung Ho. He got even more pale. He's hand became languidly in mine.
"Someone, get him out of here," shouted the doctor as my husband hit the floor.
I looked back at Seung Ho. He was even paler than he already is. His hand became languidly in mine.
"Someone, get him out of here," shouted the doctor as my husband hit the floor.
· It’s more appropriate to use “paler” for the comparative form of the adjective. “-er” is used when you are dealing with words containing less than three syllables and “more” for three or additional. Again, the use of the comma will greatly affect the meaning of the sentence. Moreover, use the possessive pronoun “his”, not “he’s”.
"Congratulation! You have a beautiful baby-girl," said the doctor, coming with a little pink blanket in his arms. "Would you like to see you daughter, Min Ah?"
"Congratulations! You have a beautiful baby-girl," said the doctor, coming with a little pink blanket in his arms. "Would you like to see you daughter, Min Ah?"
· I don’t know if this is a typographical error or not but it’s automatic to put “s” in CONGRATULATIONS. It’s part of the word. You really need to put it there.
These are only some of them. I didn’t include the others for they are just the same with the corrections I made. You might find it a bit technical but I can’t help remembering my grammar 101 back in high school while reading your work. Ha-ha-ha.
Overall enjoyment (5/5)
I love it! As a reader with no pressure and all, just plain reading. I think I will also feel the same if I was in you protagonist’s place.
But I hate Seung Ho for being an as*! How dare him put the blame on Minah! I so hate him to death! Urgh! (Woman in me talking) XD
TOTAL: 54/100
R/N: Don’t be discouraged! If I’m a plain reader, I would’ve loved your story so much! Honestly. But I need to be strict with the review as I want to help you improve your writing skill using my own opinion. I included tips, advices and technical uses of words on the whole review. But it’s still up you if you want to use or ignore them. So to end this, I would like you express my deepest gratitude in requesting me as the reviewer of your story. Thank you so much!
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