Title: Of fruitcakes & mushrooms;
Author: ALIENcowfrog
Story link: click
Review by: littlemisshappy
Title: 3/5
I found that your title is weird. First point deducted because it doesn’t fit your story at all. Second, because the ‘&’. You should put ‘and’. I didn’t mind the heart sign because it is cute. Third, because it just didn't catch my attention.
Appearance: 4/5
The mark should be 10 but I cut it to 5 because you have no background. The remaining 5 I’ve added it to the overall enjoyment.
Your main poster and the second poster are fine. 1 mark is deducted because the title should be bigger and the color should be more attractive (for both posters). I don’t know if it is just me or the color is quite dim.
Foreword/description: 7/15
Your description is fine. Not too much or too little information. It described your story quite well. There are few mistakes;
Wrong: Taemin moved away in the middle of 8th grade, & now, in their sophomore year, he 's the hot new kid every female in the school isswooning over.
Correct: Taemin moved away in the middle of 8th grade and now, in their sophomore year, he’s the new hot kid that every female in the school swooned over.
Why: First, don’t use ‘&’, use ‘and’ instead. Second, in ‘he’s’ there is NO space. Third, your tense consistency! You are writing in past tense so keep it on. ‘Swooning’ is not a past tense and please watch your sentence structure.
Wrong: Lee Taemin. Lee Taemin... NO. THAT Lee Taemin?! NO. NOO. Stop. He's not cute. This is the kid, the obese kid with the retarded hair that used to - UGH. NO. NONONONONONONOOOOO. But damn, look at his - ugh. He 's so cute now...
!!!
HE SAW ME !!
Pleasedon'tremembermepleasedon'tremembermepleasedon'trememberme
Correct: Lee Taemin. Lee Taemin… No, that Lee Taemin?! No, no! Stop. He’s not cute. This is the kid that is obese with his retarded hair that used to- Ugh. No. Please tell me it is not true! Damn! Look at his- Ugh. He’s so cute now…
Oh my God, don’t tell me he saw me?!
‘Please don’t remember me, please don’t remember me, please don’t remember me,’ I kept on chanting inside of my head hoping that he won’t remember me.
Why: *face palm*. Please, please, and please watch your writing style. It is a formal writing and your sentence structure is a complete mess. Why is there ‘!!!’ out of nowhere?
Plot/Originality: 9/20
It is not original and not so cliché. You can twist and turn your story to make it more interesting and please, the way you describe SHINEE is so cliché.
Spelling/Vocabulary/Grammar/Punctuation: 5/30
Wrong: HE 'S BACK.
Correct: He’s back.
Why: Don’t capitalize and no space between ‘he’ and ‘’s’.
Wrong: He has these huge, creepy bug eyes & an unflattering bowlcut.
Correct: He has these huge, creepy eyes and a strange bowl cut hairstyle.
Why: Don’t use ‘&’ in formal writing and your sentence structure.
Wrong: He's been stalking me for about 3 months now.
Correct: He has been stalking me for about 3 months now.
Why: He’s --> He is so ‘He is been stalking me for about 3 months now’ sounds completely wrong.
Wrong:
"LEE TAEMIN. WALK FASTER "
" ...Song Yi-yah, that 's mean."
"BAIK SONG YI YOU'RE SOOO MEAN. SEE? MINJI'S ON MY SIDE. RIGHT?"
... No.
"Minji~ I have to go now, this is my house. Kekeke, HAVE FUN WITH THE MUSHROOM FACE."
Correct:
“Lee Taemin, walk faster,” ______ said.
“Song Yi-yah, that’s mean.” ________ glared at ______.
“Baik Song Yi, you’re so mean! See? Minji is on my side, right?” _______ exclaimed.
…No.
“Minji, I have to go now, this is my house. Kekeke, have fun with the mushroom face!”
Why: Your conversation, I don’t even know who is talking. The point of writing is to describe what is happening. I suggest you to stop from writing like this. Capitalize any sentence you want to show that the person is yelling it is wrong. You use exclamation mark and write to describe the person’s emotion. Please take note on this.
Wrong: I 'm back, and this time, I 'm hot. That sounds so... awkward.
Correct: I’m back and this time, I’m hot. That sounds so … awkward.
Why: No space between I and ‘m. Okay? You’ve been repeating this over and over again. Just take note there is no space between I and ‘m, she and ‘s, he and ‘s. Okay?
Wrong: A-yo , I'm back~ LET 'S SHAKE IT UP
Correct: A-yo, I’m back! Let’s shake it up!
Why: NO space between yo and the comma. Don’t use ‘~’ in formal writing. NO space between let and ‘s. And put a exclamation mark or period after up. And please, don’t capitalize the sentence as you please…
Wrong: I hate math. Right now, i'm just doodling all over my notebook...
Correct: I hate math. Right now, I’m doodling all over my notebook ….
Why: ALWAYS capitalize the ‘I’ no matter what are you writing. Watch out for your sentence structure and after putting ellipsis (…) at the end of sentence; put a period because it is the end of the sentence ….
Wrong: Why, WHY should I give a bear 's crap what x equals? How is this going to help me in life?
Correct: Why? Why should I give a bear’s crap what x is equal to? How is this going to help me in my life?
Why: Your punctuation mark and don’t capitalize word as you please! There is NO freaking space between bear and ‘s.
Wrong: !!! Jonghyun just walked in! He has a note for Mrs.Lee; OR MAYBE IT'S A LOVE LETTER FOR M- he's so hot.
Correct: Jonghyun just walked in. He has a note for Mrs. Lee, or maybe it is a love letter for me! He’s so hot.
Why: WHAT DID THE EXCLAMATION MARK DO IN FRONT OF YOUR SENTENCE? Okay, sorry for capitalize that sentence but seriously, watch your punctuation mark and there should be space between Mrs. and Lee.
Wrong: JUST BECAUSE I KINDA SORTA MAYBE NOT REALLY RESEMBLE ONE THAT IS FEMALE.
Correct: Just because I kind of resemble one that is female….
Why: Have you had any idea that “kinda sorta maybe not really” sounds very ridiculous? And your sentence is not a complete sentence; put an ellipsis and a period.
Wrong: He walked up to the secretary 's desk, pondering how best to tell her that he needed a schedule.
Correct: He walked up to the secretary’s desk, pondering on how to tell her that he needed a schedule.
Why: NO space between secretary and ‘s and please watch your sentence structure.
Wrong: " LEEEEEE!!!! Taemin."
Correct: “Lee Taemin,” Taemin said emphasizing the ‘Lee’ word.
Why: No space between the quotation mark and the letter. Don’t use more then one exclamation mark. As I said, use words to describe the way the person talk.
Wrong: " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ( A/N ; AWKWARD SILENCE LOL ) . . . . . . . . . . . thanks."
Correct: Both of us silenced after I said that. After a while, Taemin broke the silence by saying, “Thanks.”
Why: Describe what is happening not put bunch of periods with a quotation mark.
There are lots more but I decided to stop. Most of your mistake, I already explained it. You repeated it over and over again. So please use your punctuation mark correctly. Don’t capitalize sentences as you please and don’t leave your sentence hanging.
Writing Style: 1/5
It was very confusing. You kept on changing the POV and you didn’t let the readers know. I have to scroll back up again to see who is talking, who POV’s is it and stuff… please fix the way you write.
Flow: 7/10
It was okay. I didn’t feel like you’re rushing your story or what so ever.
Overall enjoyment: 3/10
Nope, I don’t enjoy it because you keep on confusing me on whose POV it is.
Total: 39/100
Littlemisshappy’s note: Please take note and learn from your mistake. I’m sure you can improve and you can be a better writer. Keep on writing and improve! Hwaiting! ♥
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