Title: Hallucinations
Author: Automatic
Story link: click
Review by: Andrea_key4eva
Title: 5/5
I love your title. ‘Hallucinations’ is simple yet amazing; it isn’t like those cliché titles you usually see. It drew me in almost instantly. Amazing work!
Appearance: 10/10
Your poster is absolutely amazing. It looks a little 3D and it really matched your title. It emitted a sort of creepy, intimidating feel yet it makes me want to read on. Sadly, there was no background. I don’t mind, though. Your poster is really one of the best.It also related to the story. Apparently, you made it. Wow, I have to say, I’m extremely impressed.
Description/Foreword: 10/15
Your description is admirable. It was pretty good for aoneshot, but unfortunately, there were some grammatical errors. The information provided was enough though, and you didn’t really give much away.
Plot/Originality: 23/30
Your plot was amazing. It’s not cliché; very, very original. I loved it, but I reckon it would’ve been a lot better if you made your story longer. That would’ve earned you a lot more marks.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary/Punctuation:14/25
Your English is alright, but as usual, mistakes are inevitable. Your sentences were a little choppy and you misused your punctuations a lot. You also wrote in present tense for the flashback; never, ever do that. When it’s a flashback, you have to write in past tense as everything has already taken place. I also realised that you switch from present tense to past tense and back again from time to time. Please, do not do that. I’ll show you some examples.
The end. Game over. I whisper to myself, as I lay alone in my pool of blood in the middle of somewhere deserted, that I didn’t even know. My eyes are filled with tears. I don’t know exactly where my piercing pain is coming from, but it feels like it’s coming from everywhere. My arms, my legs, my head, neck, my back, my throat, my heart, my sides… I don’t know. I helplessly, and painfully, remain in my current position, as I reflected on my life.
"It's the end; game over," I whisper to myself as I lay in a pool of my blood, deserted in the middle of nowhere. Tears threaten to escape; I feel pain shooting up my spine. It hurts – everywhere.I lay limp on the ground. Back then, I never understood stories where before the hero dies, their life flashes before their eyes. I know that I am about to die and I found out that this...was indeed true.
I realise that you write in past tense. If so, please write your whole story in past tense. Don’t change halfway through the story. You misused the comma and you didn’t vary your punctuations. Try to expand your vocabulary.
I also was told that I was kidnapped, but escaped and apparently I lost my memory.
I was also told that I was kidnapped, but escaped and in the process, lost my memory.
You used the term ‘apparently’ wrongly. ‘Apparently’ means knowledge that you possess through some way that isn’t exactly one hundred percent reliable. For example, imagine yourself lost in a place you’ve never been to before; say, Seoul. You ask around and everyone tells you that the hotel you live in is straight ahead. You can’t be sure that it is, but you trust them. In this situation, you may say ‘Apparently, the hotel is straight ahead’. Hopefully, I’m not confusing you. Under this circumstance, she can’t say ‘apparently, I lost my memory’ because she did lose her memory; she doesn’t remember a thing about herself.
I still don't know, should I believe these women in white robes.When these ladies spoke to me for the first time, that is when I realized: I don't know how to speak, I don't know how to move, walk, stand and later when they brought in a tube of some sort. I learned from them that I can't eat either.
I’m unsure; should I believe the women in white robes, or not? It was when they spoke to me for the first time that I realised: I don’t know how to speak, move, walk, or stand and later on, when they introduced this tube of some sort, I came to know that I couldn't eat normally either.
The first sentence was a little confusing and you misused the comma there. The other sentences were a little messy and it looked like there wasn’t much thought put into it.
I heard the ladies in white discuss about sending me to a to an orphanage when I completed my rehab. However I was barely making progress, and only recently learned how to murmur meaningless things, roll around and squint a bit at the light that gets shone in my eyes.
I heard the ladies in white discuss about sending me to an orphanage when I completed rehabilitation; I couldn’t complain, literally. I was barely making progress and recently, I simply learned how to murmur meaningless mutterings, roll around and squint as the white light focuses on my pupil.
The second sentence was a little confusing, especially the last part of the sentence. I got a little dizzy and had to look back and forth to piece it all together. Also, you either squint or don’t; squinting a bit is a little weird. Squinting means keeping your eyelids halfway closed because of reflex. Squinting it a bit is pretty much not squinting at all.
He knows my condition, he asked the ladies in white.
He knows my condition; he asked the ladies in white.
You shouldn’t have used a comma. A semi-colon is more suitable.
I'm puzzled, not only because I don't understand why, but also how is that possible when he usually has a big smile and is laughing?
I’m confused: not only do I not understand why; I find it impossible how he's so cheery and always smiling, while his eyes seem so sorrowful.
There was a bit of confusion here, especially in punctuations. You also should’ve been more descriptive as it adds to the professional and dramatic effect.
His friends are funny, and the story of his weekly adventures.
Gathering knowledge from the stories he told me about his weekly adventures, I think it's safe to say that his friends are pretty nice and have a good sense of humour.
Your sentence was messy.
I don't know how I learned. But it wasn't the rehabilitation instructor, he only ever tried to make me stand, walk and move. It's stupid. Because I always fall, so I roll instead.
I've no clue on how I learned to smile, but I'm very sure it wasn't the rehabilitation instructor as the only thing he ever thought me was how to stand on my own two feet, walk a certain distance and, mainly, move. I found it pointless as I would always fall back, so I chose to roll instead.
You put full stops at the wrong places. There were many full stops that were not needed; putting full stops at random spots make your sentences seem choppy and cut short. You should never start a sentence with a conjunction such as ‘and’, ‘or’, or ‘but’ as these conjunctions are used to combine sentences – it is absolutely wrong to start with them as there is absolutely nothing to join or connect.
He is, crying.
He was crying.
There was no need for the comma use. If you wanted to put a short pause there, you should’ve used an ellipsis.
His completed his rehab and is able to go home.
He had completed his rehab and was finally able to go home.
You used ‘his’ wrongly.
The brightest, and most beautiful room in the center became ugly and dull.Even worse than my previous room. All the sparkles disappeared and everything became ugly. Even I BECAME UGLY.
The brightest, most beautiful room in the centerturned ugly and dull, worse than my previous room. All the pretty sparkles disappeared and everything turned hideous again, even me.
There were some grammatical errors and misuse of punctuations.
Overall, your English is alright, but you should take note that you don’t start with conjunctions and you should brush up on your punctuation and grammar. It’s pretty admirable though.
Flow: 3/10
The flow was way too fast and everything seemed a little choppy. I understand that it’s aoneshot, but everything seemed to move way to fast; so fast that you couldn’t capture my feelings or make me understand and try to understand the character’s feelings.
Other: 3/5
As I said before, I couldn’t really relate to the character. I enjoyed your story a little, but not as much as I desired. Oh, sorry for the long wait!
Total: 68/100
Reviewer's note: It was a pretty good oneshot. I’m a person who doesn’t give high marks, so anything above 60 is pretty good to me. Congratulations!
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