[review] I won't give you- helloimqee ♥

Title: I won't give you

Author: Helloimqee

Story link: click

Review by: Tonichua

Title (3/5)

First off, the title of your story. Honestly, I can’t say anything about it because it didn’t came originally from your imagination. I can’t really blame you since your one shot is a song fiction. Maybe that’s why you used the song title as your story’s title.  Nevertheless, you should’ve thought of a more unique one for it. If you really want to include “I won’t give you”, you can use it as a subtitle, not as the main title. Observe originality and uniqueness when you’re writing your fiction. It’s really important if you want to grow as a writer. Put your own style in every piece that you will make.

Appearance (5/10)

There’s nothing much to say. Your poster was fine, not too plain nor beautiful (No offense meant to the maker.) The main characters were there. That’s an added point since they are the focus of the story. However, it would’ve been better if there’s a catch phrase on it, something that would represent your story. While looking at it, I didn’t feel anything. The poster serves as your story’s trailer so it should be eye-catching. The background was nice, not so crowded. I like it that way.

Foreword/description (3/10)

Your foreword was hollow. You didn’t put much in it. The story plot was not there. Since it is a song fiction, it would’ve been great if the song lyrics were there. There might be some readers who don’t know that song so to help them with that; you should’ve included it. No words needed. It would explain everything about your story. Moreover, you didn’t describe your characters. You just wrote their names. You should’ve included their attitudes, characteristics so your readers will know what to expect.

Originality/plot (11/15)

I can’t exactly say that your story is original but I know for a fact that it was really you who wrote it. That was good since that was really the point of writing stories, to showcase your writing talent and to share your thoughts.

Spellings, grammars, and punctuation marks (9/20)

Uhm. I’d say you need improvement in this area. Be cautious in your grammar when writing. Some readers don’t want to scrutinize words while reading. Proper capitalization was also not present. The tenses of verbs were a mess. If you want to be sure, you can use the software, “Microsoft Word.” Aigoo. Sorry about this but the disallowing text selection on your story was activated. So just read these corrections and look at your story to see the errors. Okay?

• I was sitting beside the window while watching all of the movements outside my house.
• I was waiting for my boyfriend to text me back but because I wasn’t patient, I texted him again.
• I called my friends to ask them to sleep over and talk about him.
• “Yeah, Jaekyung is right!” my other friend, Jisook, said.
• “… You don’t know that this will eventually make you sad.”
• We were teasing and playing with each other.
• It was an emergency.
• Starting tomorrow, I will change.
• ..and when I turn my gaze to my left…
• “Let’s just break up.”
• …Junhyung gave to me before.
• You were smiling happily.
• My heart fluttered and beat wildly. I knew that I was falling in love.
• That was the greatest moment of my life.

 

Flow (5/15)

The flow of your story was too fast. Were you in a hurry when you wrote it? You didn’t describe the sequences of events. The setting was not detailed so I can’t imagine were the scene was taking place.

Overall enjoyment (5/15)

I didn’t exactly enjoy it but also, I was not bored. It was fine. The whole one shot was fine.

Ending (5/10)

You’re ending was plain! You didn’t include what happen to the characters. After the break up, the story ended. It would’ve been nice if the guy was punished or if the girl found a new love. If you don’t want that, at least a concrete ending would be great! I felt like I was hanging. A sequel would be possible if ever you want to improve your story. I would definitely read that if you still want me too.

Total: 46/100

 

Reviewer's note: I won’t say sorry if you find the review too harsh. I want to help you improve your writing with the use of my opinions. Added to that, you requested the review for that purpose alone. If you’re not satisfied with the overall score, might as well take that as a challenge and make a new story that would leave me and your other readers in awe. Don’t be disheartened. Mistakes are there to help us improve. Thank you for requesting at Apink Request Shop and for choosing me as your reviewer. 

Owner's note: Please credit the reviewer and the shop! thank you! (: