Title: A battle of life and death
Author: Jessica101
Story link: click
Review by: Aingeal1004
Title: 5/5
- Interesting and unique title.
Poster/Background/Design: 4/5
- The quality of the poster was standardized, which is good(:
- However, the font of the words on the poster didn’t suit the mood of the story. The font gives an impression of violence and bloodshed, but your story did not have such a serious tone
- On another note, the main colour, red, suited the theme well.
Description/Foreword: 8/10
- The description was clear.
- You revealed a little too much, and the ending becomes quite predictable.
- The foreword was good as you showed the characters and also provided pictures. However, it’ll be much better if you categorised these under description instead. The foreword could be used to communicate with your readers. For example, you could tell them where your inspiration came from.
Characters: 10/15
- Characters’ emotions, thoughts and feelings for others were expressed.
- Try to describe more instead of only telling the readers.
- The characters’ backgrounds were also shown.
- However, I recommend that you cut down on your characters as it would cause your characterization to be mostly on a surface level and it’ll lack depth.
- Also, try to make them seem more like royalty. Donghae needs to be tougher if you want to portray him as a Prince and a leader. He can’t be the childish and fun Super Junior’s Donghae (perhaps you could make him show that side only when he’s with Jessica?).
Plot: 21/30
- The plot was good, and I’m sure there’ll be much melodrama later on.
- It was interesting as few would choose to write about that era. After all, technology and hand phones are awesome~ Good job for being able to write an engaging story! ^^
- One thing to note: try to avoid predictable plots. Add a twist in the story if possible. After all, you’re only halfway through your story so you still can spend time thinking of something to add to bring out your storyline.
- I can’t comment much as you haven’t finished writing, but you’re on the right track. All the best! ^^
Flow/Pace: 3/5
- The flow was relatively smooth, but I had to re-read some parts before I could fully comprehend what was going on. Try to smooth out your flashbacks, etc.
- The pace was fine. You can try to speed up exciting parts of the story such as when the characters are fighting.
Writing Style: 6/10
- You are able to form scenes and show it to the readers instead of merely telling.
- However, you can try to show the characters’ emotions more instead of telling.
- The characters’ points of view were developed.
- Work on your flow so that readers can follow your train of thoughts and I’m sure you’ll do much better. You have the potential to write.
Originality/Creativity: 4/5
- It was both original and creative, except for the quite predictable ending. You may decide to add a twist later on, though, so I can’t really grade this part.
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/15
- There were some typographical, punctuation and grammatical errors.
- Your tenses were fine.
- You could expand your vocabulary. Learn more dialogue tags – it’ll help.
- You had no problems in your spelling.
Chapter 1
Sentence: " Your Highness, Jessica. We can't be listening in on his majesty." whispered Jessica's personal maid that sticked with Jessica all the time.
Correction: …personal maid that attended to Jessica all the time. [If you were to attend to someone all the time, you would have to follow the person around so the phrase ‘attend to’ can be used in this case.]
Why it’s wrong: (1) No spacing after open inverted commas (quotation marks) – this applies to the rest of your story as well. (2) Incorrect word and tense.
Sentence: Her maid said nervously and scared.
Correction: Her maid said nervously.
Why it’s wrong: (1) The word ‘scared’ is grammatically incorrect in this sentence, and it’s quite redundant. (2) It’ll be better if you described more instead of merely telling the readers.
Chapter 2
Sentence: Maybe the prince is purposely blaming us so that he will start a war between both our country.
Correction: …both our countries.
Why it’s wrong: (1) If you intended for Jessica to be immature, you managed to make her seem that way, which is good. If not, try to change the way she speaks and thinks. Her current tone is that of a naïve princess. (2) Plural.
Sentence: *swish*swish*
Correction: Omit such things totally and describe.
Why it’s wrong: Avoid such expressions. Use descriptions instead of typing the “sound” out. Such things and emoticons are strongly discouraged as it would show your lack of vocabulary and your inability to write descriptions
Chapter 3
Sentence: …we must use this girl as bait for the King's head!
Correction: …we must use this girl to bait the enemy and get the King’s head!
Why it’s wrong: You can’t use her as bait for the King’s head. You bait an enemy into a trap, or you use something as bait to trap the enemy.
Sentence: " OPPA!!" " Hahahahaha~ Now you!" said Donghae as he stood in front of me holding out his sword
Correction: “OPPA!!” [new paragraph] “Now you!” Donghae laughed sinisterly…
Why it’s wrong: (1) Spacing and paragraphing. (2) Avoid using ‘hahaha’s and tildes.
Bonus: 1 mark
- It’s a different storyline from typical fan-fictions, and you chose an interesting era(:
Marks Achieved: 73/100
Grade: C+
Reviewer's note: You have creative ideas and are talented in capturing the readers’ attention. Improvements are of course necessary, but you are already doing well. Keep up the good work! ^^
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