Title: Are we fit to be together?
Author: Sungmin_pumpkin69
Story link: click
Review by: Littlemisshappy
Title: 4/5
Your title suits well with your story. You capitalize the right letters and such. So 4 marks for you! :D
Appearance: 8/10
I love your poster and background! It’s really colorful and cute. You made effort to color the description, characters’ description and provide picture, extra mark for you!
Foreword/Description: 6/10
Your description is very cliché, but you provide a teaser and thank all the poster makers/reviewers so I won’t deduct a lot of marks.
Plot/Originally: 11/30
Your plot is very common, very predictable and very cliché. Honestly, these types of stories bore me. Authors now days seriously need some fresh and good ideas.
Spelling/Vocabulary/Grammar: 8/20
English is not your first language, so I can tolerate. However, I’ll point out some of your mistakes so you can improve. Please read the explanation because mostly, you repeated the same mistake over and over again.
Wrong: “ Miss YongJi, Miss YongJi, Miss YongJi it’s time to wake up now.” Said one of our maids as she pull down my blankets.
Correct: “Miss Yongji! It’s time to wake up now,” said one of our maids as she pull up my blanket.
Why: First, you don’t put space after quotation mark (“). Second, you put a comma (,) to separate the word from what is said and who said it. Third, you use a wrong word. It should be ‘pull up’ and not ‘pull down’. Fourth, there shouldn’t be any ‘s’ after ‘blanket’ because there’s just one blanket that Yongji used right?
Wrong: Oh, Hi everyone..By the way I’m Lee YongJi. 20 years of age and currently studying in KungHee University majoring in Music and Dance *smiles* I’m still living with my Parents together with my younger brother YongJae. My Dad is a business man who’s always busy with his work so usually he’s always away from us having his business trip here and there but I don’t hate for that though, and for my Mom she’s the one who’s managing our business here inSeoul. And as For my little brother his still in middle school. Well enough about that and let’s go back to the story.
Correct: Anyway, hi everyone! I’m Lee YongJi, 20 years old and currently studying in KungHee University majoring in Music and Dance. *smiles* I’m still living with my parents and my younger brother, YongJae. My dad is a business man who’s always busy with his work, so he is usually away from us. He’s an example of a perfect busy man! Always having his business trip here and there, but I don’t hate him for that. I know he loves me. As for my mom, she’s the one who’s managing our business in Seoul. My little brother YongJae, he’s still in the middle school. Well, enough about that, let’s go back to the story.
Why: You check my about Yongji and your about Yongji and compare. If I write an explanation, it’ll take a lot of space. Lol.
Wrong: “ Mom! I need to go now, I’ll be late for school. Ya! YongJae! Stop eating and let’s go!” YongJae just look at me confuse and My Mom slightly giggling in my panic mode.
Correct: “Mom! I need to go now or I’ll be late for school. Yah, YongJae! Stop eating and let’s go!” I called him with panicky. YongJae look at me with a confusing expression and my mom just giggled looking at our silly action.
Why: Okay, major mistake in your sentence is, your sentence structure. It’s messy and hard to understand. Besides that, you capitalized the wrong letter. You don’t have to capitalize both ‘m’ in ‘my mom’.
Wrong: Aish! I’m really tired and now they’re waking me up this early. I don’t care if I’ll be late to school it’s better not to go, I’ll just fall as sleep in there.
Correct: Aish! I’m really tired. They’re waking me up way too early. I don’t care if I’m going to be late for school! Even if I go to school, I’ll just fall asleep over there.
Why: Your sentence structure is messy. Since English is not your first language, I understand.
Wrong: “ I’ll handle this one now, just go back to your work” Another voice came out of nowhere, but the hell I care as long as that ‘who ever owns that voice won’t bother me.
Correct: “I’ll handle this one now, just go back to your work,” another voice came up out of nowhere. I don’t care who owns that voice as long as ‘it’ don’t bothers me.
Why: Major mistake; your sentence structure. And please, look at your punctuation mark. Even if English is not your first language, you should at least know how to use punctuation marks. And I refer the voice as ‘it’ because it’ll make it more mystery. Lol.
Wrong: I park my car to the reserve spot in the parking lot and immediately went to my locker.
Correct: I park my car to the reserved spot in the parking lot and immediately go to my locker.
Why: Watch your tenses. Reserved car spot meaning you already reserved it, which is past. And ‘went’ is past tense of ‘go’.
Wrong: I keep on walking around the school, squeals and screams would be heard as I pass by… Well who wouldn’t all girls loves me, they always go gaga for me except for one particular girl… But I don’t mind she’s one out of hundreds of students in this school who dislike me *scoff* yeah right, I bet she’s just playing hard to get just get my attention.
Correct: I keep on walking around the school. Girls wound squeal and scream when I passed by. Well, what can I do? All the girls love me except for this one particular girl. But don’t mind her; she’s probably just playing hard-to-get to grab my attention.
Why: *face palm* you read yourself.
Wrong: When I arrive at school I was greeted with my 2 lovely bestfriend.
Correct: When I arrived at school, I was greeted by my 2 lovely best friends.
Why: Your tenses. I ‘arrived’ because you had arrived and you even put ‘greeted’ meaning your sentence should be in past tense. ‘bestfriend’ is two different words but it doesn’t really matter though.
Wrong: After we took our things, we decided to go to our class now even though it’s still early. It’s better to be early than to be late and get hit my our devilish teacher.
Correct: After we took our things, we decided to go to our class. Even though it’s still early, we don’t mind it because it’s better to be early then to receive punishment from our devilish teacher for coming late.
Why: Your sentence structure and usage of words.
Wrong: My eyes went wide when I remembered about that. How am I going to present something today if I wasn’t even able to practice?? I’m soooo sooo dead. I facepalm as the two started laughing.
Correct: My eyes widen as soon I remembered that. How am I going to present something today? I don’t even practice anything! I’m so dead. I face palm myself and the two girls started laughing.
Why: Usage of words. Face palm is two words.
Okay. So there are 10 mistakes that I pointed it out. There’s a lot more but since English is not your first language, it’s understandable. Please do improve your English and the way you use your punctuation marks.
Writing style: 3/5
It’s not confusing but stop using ‘No one’s POV’. Why? Because of course there must be someone’s point of view. You can write, ‘Author’s POV’ or ‘Narrator’s POV’. Either is fine.
Flow: 8/10
You didn’t rush your stories. I give you points for that.
Overall enjoyment: 3/5
I’m not going to lie on this. I don’t really enjoy it. Like I said, this type of story bores me.
Total: 51/100
LMH note: Please don’t dishearten with your mark. You have 71 subscribers with you! So keep on writing and improve, yeah? ♥
Owner's note: Hello! I'm extremely sorry if we're late to review your story! Mianhae :s Hope you forgive us! You can post it as one of your chapters or just link it on your foreword depends with the reviewer (: Because you patiently waiting for your request to done, here's for you:
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