Title: Back in the beginning
Author: Wangzishinwoo
Story link: click
Review by: Aingeal1004
Title: 5/5
- It was not too long and it is relevant to the story.
- It’s not a common title for a fan-fiction(:
Poster/Background/Design: 4/5
- Beautiful banner showing both main and minor characters.
- Simple, not too flashy, and attention-grabbing.
- You could have put lesser pictures in the banner or changed the background. There seems to be so many faces at a first glance, and it would make it seem quite messy. Another option is to make the background paler (somewhat translucent).
Description/Foreword: 7/10
- Excellent work on your description! It was clear, and the excerpt from the story was interesting~
- Necessary information was available, but it’d help if you described more about your story than about Kibum leaving XING.
- The foreword was good as background information on the characters was given. Exact dates were even provided! O.O
Characters: 12/15
- The personalities of the main characters were very well-defined.
- Emotions of main characters were shown.
- However, it would be good if you showed why Kibum felt as if he killed Kevin. If you had put the sentence “He was my angel, and I killed him. I tore him apart even though deep in my heart, I loved him.” right at the end, it would have made a stronger impact, and would have shown why he felt that way (because the scene where he broke Kevin’s heart would be already over).
- The feelings the main characters have for others around them were expressed clearly.
Plot: 24/30
- The plot was beautiful. The parts were all there, the scenes were well-developed.
- A basic outline can be seen and the storyline had no problems. There was direction, and your story moves along well. It wasn’t choppy or vague.
- One thing to note: Try to avoid having missing information in your story. For example, who did Kibum meet, and for what purpose? In this case, you have to either mention that he met his manager to tell him of his decision to leave XING, or write out the whole scene.
- Also, your focus wasn’t there. Are you trying to write about Kibum hurting Kevin, or are you focusing on Kibum leaving as he was afraid of his feelings for Kevin? You have two choices here. One, you write both, but you have to separate them clearly into different parts. However, the catch is that you must be able to link them and write it so that both can occur simultaneously without the reader losing his/her train of thoughts. You can’t change your focus abruptly as it would cause confusion. It’s hard to explain this… Two, you choose one to focus on. This is much easier. It’s like having a main storyline, using the characters’ feelings only to bring out the story.
- The ending was good, as it would allow you to decide if you’ll want to write a sequel. Endings that aren’t final are often very good in getting readers to subscribe and read more of your stories(:
- Your characters were used well, and you were able to show why you wrote the story.
Flow/Pace: 4/5
- The flow was very smooth, and there were no breaks in the story.
- You had no problems on your pacing, but the ending seemed quite rushed. You can try to drag it a little by further describing their feelings.
Writing Style: 7/10
- You were able to write in such a way it captures the reader’s attention.
- I couldn’t give you full marks as certain things were not very clear. You need to work on showing clearly whose point of view it was at that moment.
- A captivating story and a heart-breaking one. You can afford to be more melodramatic – make it heart-wrenching.
- I liked how you made it seem like Kibum was also narrating the story(:
Originality/Creativity: 4/5
- Full marks for originality.
- Try to bring out your story more. Make it different from other stories. Twists are good(:
Punctuation/Spelling/Tenses/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
- Punctuations were correct.
- Some typographical errors, but really minor.
- You had no problems in your tenses.
- Some descriptive words didn’t seem very appropriate. For example, people don’t usually use the term ‘inhuman’ for beauty. But I know what you mean so I didn’t deduct any marks for that. The ‘ignore the ignorance’ part was wrong though. Because you stated in that sentence itself that it was Kevin comparing Kibum with Hyungjun. Change the arrangement of those few sentences and it’ll be fine.
- Here's the corrections:
Wrong: God knows how long I tried to hide my emotions from him. I told no one in XING about them, they probably would shun me if they knew. It’s not everyday you find out your best friend is gay. I was scared. It was the only reason why I left
Correct: God knows how long I tried to hide my emotions from him. I told no one in XING about it. It’s not every day you find out your best friend is gay. I was scared. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear it if any of them shunned me, so I left. And leaving, I broke my angel’s heart.
Why: 1) The term ‘everyday’ and ‘every day’ is different. In this case it should be ‘every day’. To check: It’s not every [single] day you find out your best friend is gay. (2) The ‘only reason’ changes the focus of the story (*mentioned above under the Plot section).
Wrong: I was always known as Hyungjun Junior or Hyungjun’s twin. I was tired of it. But when he compared the two of us, I couldn’t help but ignore the ignorance.
Correct: Change the phrase or change the arrangement of the sentences.
Why: The phrase ‘ignore the ignorance’ is incorrect as the sentence was referring to Kevin comparing Hyungjun and Kibum, and not Kevin being unaware of Hyungjun having a brother
Wrong: “Hungry?” Kibum asked, Kevin nodded eagerly while Kibum smiled. “Let’s go in then. I’ll buy.” Kevin threw his arms around Kibum’s neck.
Correct: You have to put the part ‘Kevin threw his arms around Kibum’s neck’ into another paragraph or the point of view wouldn’t be clear.
Why: Paragraphing.
Wrong: Kevin smiled sweetly, grabbing hold of Kibum’s arm as the two of them walked side by side down the street they were on, not many people there this early in the morning.
Correct: Kevin smiled sweetly, grabbing hold of Kibum’s arm as the two of them walked side by side down the street. Now describe how empty the street was here.
Why: The part ‘not many people there this early in the morning’ should be separated from the other part of that sentence.
Wrong: Kibum hid his gaze under his cap, avoiding Kevin’s accusing glare
Correct: Kibum hid his gaze under his cap, avoiding Kevin’s questioning eyes.
Why: The phrase ‘accusing glare’ wasn’t appropriate for that situation
Bonus: 5 marks
- Enjoyed your story ^^
- The yaoi scene wasn’t distasteful (unlike some written by authors who just can’t write explicit scenes – if you know what I mean).
Marks Achieved: 85/100
Grade: A
Side Note: A beautiful piece of writing! If you work on your plot I’m sure you’ll do even better(: Keep up the good work~
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